I miss you.

I could say that I miss you but it wouldn't be a fraction of this.
I miss your many faces.. and the laughter.. the crinkle-nosed smiles.
I miss the silent and bored hours between the loud minutes.
I miss the attraction. The distraction. And the glow in your eyes.
I miss your vitality.. your interest.. the love you shared with so many.
I miss feeling hopeless with a purpose.
I miss being on the brink of success and disaster at all times.

I miss the moments bigger than myself and brushes with destiny, fate, and death.
That crazy look in your eye. The moment people stare...
Because they know you.. And they know you are about to risk everything.

I miss your broken heart. Because it held more passion than us.
I miss your fragile arms and the weight they held.
I miss your leaky faucet of a mouth.. and all the trouble that came out.
I miss your yells and shouts.. your tears and screams.. your ripping seams.
You inspired me. You created the most beautiful things.
Your ideas were going to change something.
Change the stale life you swore to never live.

You said you would never let go.. until you did.
And your lovers faded in the shade of a new you.
And here they creep in your shadows.
You creep in the shadows.

You're not broken anymore.
You don't know what it means to break.
You can't care because you cared too much and its all gone.

You can miss it. But you can't know it.
Those days are over.. and you will never be the same.

What we imagine.

I fell in love.

I would say.. again.. But I don't think it is.

Because this is a first.

I have never been so sure.

When I met him, I told myself I would marry him.

It was like one of those childish games girls play.

They like someone and tell everyone.

But I never thought anything would come of it.

It just seemed like a game or a joke.

I never thought I would believe it like this.

I fell in love from a distance.

I had hopes.. and I even had dreams.

I thought about who you were outside of your coffee shop.

I thought about what your girlfriend looked like.

I thought up pet names you might call her.

I imagined you holding her every night.

I wanted to know where you went at night.

I wanted to be there.

I'm terrified of forgetting.

I want to hold on to these raw emotions with every fiber of my being.

I need it all.

I need your bandanna, your beard, your coffee shop talk.

I need the nervous "Nice to see you again"s and the awkward departures.

I need the moment I found out you felt the same way.

I need my heart to land at my feet.

I need the first time I held your hand.

I need our first kiss.

I need to believe. I need to remember the disbelief.

I love knowing you.

I love having you.

You are better than I imagined.

I hope I never take you for granted.

I hope I always remember the slim chance happenings that brought us together.

You have been the man of my dreams.

You have been the love of my life.

But now you are real.

And you are mine.

It hurts to realize that I'm not one of them anymore.

I'm not fun-loving and easy going.

I used to be.

But something cracked, something broke beyond belief.

I got defensive and nervous, scared and awkward.

I'm withdrawn and distant.

Too real to fake the things that would make me seem familiar.

Make me seem like the person I was when they met me.

I'm not. I've been through too much with nobody beside me.

And I'm different now.

I've lost so much of the hope and excitement I used to have.

I can't laugh at stupid jokes.

I can't kick back and relax.

We are all on such different pages.

I feel like there isn't a single person I can relate to lately.

I feel like I am either being judged for my emotions or being analyzed and lectured.

I want to go back to who I was before so much of these past few years.

I miss being genuinely happy.

I miss my tiny tummy and tan.

I miss feeling like I had some potential.

I'm craving acceptance somewhere.. anywhere.

I want to be me again.

It hurts, it burns even.

The sun is rising and I promise myself..

Tomorrow.. Tomorrow.. Tomorrow..

That will be the day this will all end.

I will stop this.

I am in charge of this.

I will literally run the bad thoughts of you from my mind.

Run until I am so exhausted.. you are the furthest thing from me.

You fuck my friends like I never mattered.

I lose respect for them almost as much as I have for you.

The people in my life are garbage.

You have made them garbage.

I hate you.

I want to move, leave, escape you.

I will try.

I will try my hardest.

I hope your faults destroy you.

That note.

Things are over.

Like they were before.

I don't think we have ever let it go this far.

I look at pictures of when I met you.

And part of me sees some of that person in who you are now.

And for fleeting moments I see through the pretentious douchebag you have become.

For a while I love you again.

I remember caring so much about you..

And I remember what absolutely wonderful times we shared.

I told you everything. Everything.

And you were everything to me.

Inseparable.

I never thought you were capable of breaking my heart.

And here you are. Here we are.

Like fucking poison to each other.

Spiteful, angry, and hurt from all angles.

And I will never know why.

I think its when you left me.

And I was scared and alone..

I made mistakes you would never let me live down.

And from that point on.

Those mistakes are all you let yourself see of me.

Even when I improved myself.

When I found myself again.

It was never going to matter.

Even when you said there was a chance.

Our relationship became nothing more than me trying to apologize.

And falling behind faster than I could keep up.

The few moments when you actually wanted me back..

I was terrified.

And I would sabotage any efforts.

After all that had happened..

How could I ever be worth anything to you?

I didn't want to spend my whole life in your debt.

Its stupid that these are the things that ruined us.

The things I did to get by without you.

The mistakes I made in crazed desperation.

That is what ended up defining me.

And I know you will never look back and smile the way I want you to.

At the months we shared together.. Inseparable.. And disgustingly happy.

I always looked at you and saw my future.

And it hurts to see you as my past.

And such a distant past.. That I have forgotten what you looked like then.

And only these stupid still frames can bring me back to you.

Back to the comfort of having you.

And the pain of losing you.. Over.. and over.. and over.

That note I wrote you.

The one I hid in your backpack.

I still mean it.

I mean every word.

And I know its all more true now than it ever was.

And more necessary for you to have.

Maybe you can remember me the way I was when I wrote it.

Before everything blew up in our faces.

Before I melted into this disgusting mess I've made.

I'm sorry I couldn't stay your best thing forever.

And I am sorry I let you down.

Re-hash.

I have fallen in love over and over.

And I have never learned how to let go.. of anyone.

The moments I think I am free.. I look back.

And I realize I will never be free of these things.

They make me.

They build me up.

They tear me apart.

They give me strength.. yet they are my greatest weakness.

I had convinced myself that there was never anything between us.

But then you show me evidence.

And I know that there was something overwhelming.

I will never understand how it went from that to this.

And there are things I will never be able to forget.

But at the same time.. those memories will never be the same..

After these past 6 months.

I still can't be sure if this torment was worth what we shared.

But what we shared was honest and true.

And for a long time.. I couldn't ever imagine it ending.

Its rare to feel a true forever type of love.

The kind that hides all faults and is pure.

Loving you made me a better person for a while.

And for a while.. I think we were each other's very best thing.

You were my comfort, my sanity, and my protector.

When things went to shit, you made me believe it would all work out.

We shared my twin bed every night..

and I still couldn't get close enough to you.

I remember loving you completely..

And never stopping to wonder why.

I remember the first time I lost you..

How I felt myself break in two.

All of this touch and go..

All of the awful things we have said to each other.

And all of the trust we have broken..

Its stripped us of what used to be real..

And replaced it with a barely believable idea.

I am sorry that I have forgotten.

And it hurts so bad to remember you..

Even if its just briefly.. Just for this moment.

If I could, I would take it all back.. and try to fix it.

But I guess thats how we got in this position in the first place.

I have never wanted to let go.

And before I knew it..

You became the furthest thing from me.

Post Four.

Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has them but nobody wants to hear from them.

Precisely.

Going through a difficult thing. I feel the need to rely on friends. But I have realized that they provide less comfort than the strangers I meet. This has happened consistently. Does this mean I have imperfect friends? Does it mean that strangers, with a fresh perspective, can give me better advice? Or are strangers simply more eager to please you? I have no idea.

I am exhausted by the competitive edge people tend to have in conversations like these. Trying to top each other's stories of how they have been wronged. Needing to have the last word. Unsuccessfully convincing one another that your own individual life path is more on track. I wonder when people lost compassion. I wonder when they started caring about their hierarchy more than humanity.

I ask for a minute of time in return for the friendship I have offered in the past. But it simply falls flat, constantly. I feel the need to relocate, simply up and move. Not because I want to run away, but because I have tried so many times to make these things work and it doesn't seem hopeful. The new people I meet seem so much nicer but still my lingering past is like a dead weight. Constantly disapproving of my feelings and decisions as if they are things I could or even want to change. I feel worn out trying to combat everything that seems to be up against me. And I feel completely alone in that battle. I don't feel weak, just alone.

I have made the decision to turn my back for a while on the people and things that bring me down. I am going to devote my time to myself instead. I don't need their approval or advice. And they don't need to know about what I'm up to or where I'm going. This is it, and I'm jumping. I have been craving respect and dignity. So here begins the hunt and climb.

Before I can let these new people in who I think of so highly, I need to believe I am worth their time. I will hold my head up high and continue on with my passions and dreams. I will trust in my talent and good nature. Once surrounded by the positive people I seek.. life will make the turn I have been seeking for what seems like so long now. It will not be easy.. But it will be the first thing I have done solely to make myself a better person in longer than I can remember.