Re-hash.

I have fallen in love over and over.

And I have never learned how to let go.. of anyone.

The moments I think I am free.. I look back.

And I realize I will never be free of these things.

They make me.

They build me up.

They tear me apart.

They give me strength.. yet they are my greatest weakness.

I had convinced myself that there was never anything between us.

But then you show me evidence.

And I know that there was something overwhelming.

I will never understand how it went from that to this.

And there are things I will never be able to forget.

But at the same time.. those memories will never be the same..

After these past 6 months.

I still can't be sure if this torment was worth what we shared.

But what we shared was honest and true.

And for a long time.. I couldn't ever imagine it ending.

Its rare to feel a true forever type of love.

The kind that hides all faults and is pure.

Loving you made me a better person for a while.

And for a while.. I think we were each other's very best thing.

You were my comfort, my sanity, and my protector.

When things went to shit, you made me believe it would all work out.

We shared my twin bed every night..

and I still couldn't get close enough to you.

I remember loving you completely..

And never stopping to wonder why.

I remember the first time I lost you..

How I felt myself break in two.

All of this touch and go..

All of the awful things we have said to each other.

And all of the trust we have broken..

Its stripped us of what used to be real..

And replaced it with a barely believable idea.

I am sorry that I have forgotten.

And it hurts so bad to remember you..

Even if its just briefly.. Just for this moment.

If I could, I would take it all back.. and try to fix it.

But I guess thats how we got in this position in the first place.

I have never wanted to let go.

And before I knew it..

You became the furthest thing from me.

Post Four.

Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has them but nobody wants to hear from them.

Precisely.

Going through a difficult thing. I feel the need to rely on friends. But I have realized that they provide less comfort than the strangers I meet. This has happened consistently. Does this mean I have imperfect friends? Does it mean that strangers, with a fresh perspective, can give me better advice? Or are strangers simply more eager to please you? I have no idea.

I am exhausted by the competitive edge people tend to have in conversations like these. Trying to top each other's stories of how they have been wronged. Needing to have the last word. Unsuccessfully convincing one another that your own individual life path is more on track. I wonder when people lost compassion. I wonder when they started caring about their hierarchy more than humanity.

I ask for a minute of time in return for the friendship I have offered in the past. But it simply falls flat, constantly. I feel the need to relocate, simply up and move. Not because I want to run away, but because I have tried so many times to make these things work and it doesn't seem hopeful. The new people I meet seem so much nicer but still my lingering past is like a dead weight. Constantly disapproving of my feelings and decisions as if they are things I could or even want to change. I feel worn out trying to combat everything that seems to be up against me. And I feel completely alone in that battle. I don't feel weak, just alone.

I have made the decision to turn my back for a while on the people and things that bring me down. I am going to devote my time to myself instead. I don't need their approval or advice. And they don't need to know about what I'm up to or where I'm going. This is it, and I'm jumping. I have been craving respect and dignity. So here begins the hunt and climb.

Before I can let these new people in who I think of so highly, I need to believe I am worth their time. I will hold my head up high and continue on with my passions and dreams. I will trust in my talent and good nature. Once surrounded by the positive people I seek.. life will make the turn I have been seeking for what seems like so long now. It will not be easy.. But it will be the first thing I have done solely to make myself a better person in longer than I can remember.

I have been over you.

I have forgotten the reasons why I stayed with you in the first place.

And it amazes me that you can still hurt me so badly after so long.

I think its the trust I had in you. And the lies you told.

The intentional pain and awareness of how your actions would affect me.

I think its the substantial amount of time I spent caring for you..

To realize how little you cared for my well being..

Not now but ever.

I didn't think I had it in me to cry for you anymore.

But you really bring out this side of people rather easily.

You are a selfish puddle of humanity.

You hurt every pore of my being.

How dare you use such strong words so casually.