Post Three.

I scan my room. I see a handful of things that remind me. I see the things I don't have the heart to get rid of.. but I don't have the strength to keep. I remember once when these inanimate objects meant so much to me that I would have chosen their company over most people. It was because they were a symbol of what we had together. These objects gave me the option of spreading my feelings out instead of directing them solely at you. If you knew how much I cared about you.. It probably would have been frightening.

I browse my bed.. my shelves.. my closet.. and my drawers. I pick up.. I put down. I close and I open. I walk away to come back and find it still the same. I wish I could just box it all up and forget. I wish more that I could put it all in a bag and leave it out with the garbage. That's what I did last time I felt this way. I left it all out in the rain to wash away. But this time.. I am more afraid of letting go of these memories than I am of letting go of you. I think of these memories.. these transitional objects.. cold, lonely and neglected. And then I think.. if I don't take care of them.. if I don't keep them safe.. who will?

So for now.. its okay. But I fear the day when I pack them up and tuck them away. And even more.. I fear the day I find them again. And I fear how I will react. I wonder if I'll remember the things I swore to protect. Or if they will have faded and left me. I wonder if it will make me sad to realize I have finally let go. Or if I will be relieved to have moved on. To have let you go.

Post Two.

I believe I try my best to be a good person. But then I wonder what being a "good person" really means. Everyone has their own standards that they consider when judging a person's worth. I simply try to be genuine. Whether that means I make good decisions or bad ones, I figure as long as I am true to myself, my good nature will show on its own without much effort.

Sometimes our intentions are misread. Mixed signals and different opinions lead us down paths that others find less than righteous. And in times like these I am left looking back and wondering what went wrong.. wondering whether I was ever a good person.. and wondering whether the people who I feel have wronged me were righteous in their own right.

I have made mistakes. I have hurt others and I have tried to fix the things I had broken. But some things are beyond repair. And it hurts more to cut your fingers on the shards than it does to mourn the loss and move on. But it is hard to let go. Hard to truly believe that abandoning comfort for sanity is worth it.

This time its different. This time I am too hurt to believe that I can continuing loving this person. The person I considered closest to me. The person I trusted most. This time I can't shake it off. It makes me shiver to think the pain that racked my body last night was caused by the same arms that held me close such a short time ago. I tried to read the words aloud and I choked. I sputtered and leaked. And it was genuine. A different kind of hurt than I have felt before in similar situations. This time it felt helpless and hopeless to continue. I came face to face with the exhaustion of this task. I realized how much time I've wasted trying. I realized that the one thing I had been fighting so hard for had ultimately caused me more pain than I could ever remember feeling. I felt wronged. I felt disgusted. And as soon as it became clear to me that there would never be a single thing I could do to change any of it. That I had tried and tried again but trying doesn't help when you are up against a brick wall. Instead of wasting more time and energy getting myself to wrap my head around what was happening, I washed my hands of it.

I am better than this.

I have been denied respect and appreciation for too long. I have put myself in a position that makes me feel like a villain and a lesser person than who I really am. After being punished for months over the mistakes I had made in the past.. I feel its finally time to be freed. To realize that I am not a bad person just because one person says I am. I am fun and enjoyable. I will be loved and not lessened. I will find someone who appreciates me instead of torturing myself by enduring the abuse and manipulation of these pursuing circumstances.

I believe I was worth something once. I was a catch. I am not used or washed up, I am just lonely. It took a long time to realize that the person pointing fingers was also the cause of this slump. I am worth affection and assurance not neglect and shrugging shoulders.

You said you came back because you realized how much I cared about you. Now you say it was because you felt sorry for me. There was nothing to feel sorry for. But having someone to love you indefinitely did wonders for your self esteem. You used me for my limitless affection for you. Maybe it wasn't me. Maybe it was your guilt you felt when you saw me trying to recover. But I should not be punished for that.