Lately I have become far too introverted for my own good. Those around me might think otherwise but that is just because I am good at hiding things. There are things I hide from myself. And those are probably the worst.
I recently went through a break up. I don't even know if I can call it that. It was more like a slow and steady crumble. A break up is something that happens all of the sudden. Something you don't expect. I always expected this, maybe I prepared for it. Maybe thats why its so hard. I never went through that important moment when you feel like your life might end without your second half. I needed that moment. I needed the sudden and non-refundable grief. Instead, I have just endured a slow and steady pressure. Like my ears will never pop. I might be deaf for the rest of my life because of this. Sometimes I feel like my head will explode but I refuse to cry. Crying makes it real. Crying makes things here and now. When I don't cry, I can say I'm over it. But I'm not. I know I'm not.
I decided to try and make positive steps to the future today. So I went to update my flickr account. Post some of my more recent artwork so that I could have something to give people when they ask me what I do. I hate when people ask that and all I can offer them is the shrug of my shoulders. So I updated.
I sorted through photo after photo. Categorizing. Artwork. Not artwork. Artwork. Not artwork. And there were all the things I had pushed to the back of my mind. The happy times we had shared. The smiling faces that were so ridiculous to us even then. The snow outside didn't remind me of you. But now it does. I had forgotten about our winter wonderland. The snowmen in the park and the breakfast we cooked on our snow day. It was nice not wanting or needing anything else but you.
And now I'm crying.
This is what I wanted, I guess. I've been waiting to let this out for so long. I never really let myself mourn the fact that I had to let you go. Which might be why I never did. You meant more to me than anything. And crying made it real. Crying admits that there is something worth crying about. Something real to be sad about. An emotion. I have been numb. Forced myself to be preoccupied by drinking and other people and hate.
Hating you. I have never hated you. But wouldn't it be easier than holding on to this. Hoping one day you realize that despite my actions these past few months that I still love you. That I have always loved you. I can't see you anymore. And you say we shouldn't talk. Probably for good reason. You were always smart about these things. You know whats best for me better than I do. And I never know whats best. Because I am just raw emotion. Rash decisions. A lot like life itself, I guess.
I tried to replace you immediately. And that made you mad. You said it made you love me less. And you said it was the reason we would never be together again. Needing you so bad that I couldn't stand alone without you. Was that a fault? I guess its the reason you had to leave. The reason you aren't coming back this time. No matter what I say.
You invited me to a New Year's Party. And my roommate told me that I am not allowed to go. That I should know it will hurt me more than heal me. But I want more than anything to see you. Everyone knows its the wrong thing for me to do. I know it too. But it doesn't stop me from wanting it more than anything. I have this dream that I will get there and you will sweep me off my feet and tell me everything is alright now. That you forgive me for the horrible things I've said and that you want to start fresh. Thats just a dream though. A lot like a fairy tale. A lie.
I have been trying to meet new people. Everyone is asking me why I would want to get into another relationship so quickly. I guess I just want to prove to myself that there could be someone out there who measures up. Who can make me as happy as you did. They tell me to sit back and let things happen. But I have never been one to wait and let things come my way. Never. So I look. And I try. And it makes me miss you more with every person I meet.
Its been so long. I don't even remember what it was like to fall in love with you. It happened so fast. It was like a switch. One day you weren't there. And the next you were. And you just never left. I loved it. I loved every moment and every bit of it. I don't want to forget. People tell me that I don't have to. But I don't see how else I can move on.
So much reminds me of you. I changed rooms. At least that way the walls can't tell me what I'm missing. When we finally went our separate ways.. I scanned those walls for your pictures.. So I could take some comfort from tearing them down. But there were none. I had known it was coming for a long time. Known that you were leaving.
I guess I went off the deep end. This past week of sobriety hasn't been an easy one. I have had to face the things I've been neglecting. You. Just you. No replacements. Just holes. And tears. And not having you.
Done crying.
I suppose the purpose of this post has been completed. I felt something. Felt something vicious and awful and real. And I felt it completely.
