Post Three.

I scan my room. I see a handful of things that remind me. I see the things I don't have the heart to get rid of.. but I don't have the strength to keep. I remember once when these inanimate objects meant so much to me that I would have chosen their company over most people. It was because they were a symbol of what we had together. These objects gave me the option of spreading my feelings out instead of directing them solely at you. If you knew how much I cared about you.. It probably would have been frightening.

I browse my bed.. my shelves.. my closet.. and my drawers. I pick up.. I put down. I close and I open. I walk away to come back and find it still the same. I wish I could just box it all up and forget. I wish more that I could put it all in a bag and leave it out with the garbage. That's what I did last time I felt this way. I left it all out in the rain to wash away. But this time.. I am more afraid of letting go of these memories than I am of letting go of you. I think of these memories.. these transitional objects.. cold, lonely and neglected. And then I think.. if I don't take care of them.. if I don't keep them safe.. who will?

So for now.. its okay. But I fear the day when I pack them up and tuck them away. And even more.. I fear the day I find them again. And I fear how I will react. I wonder if I'll remember the things I swore to protect. Or if they will have faded and left me. I wonder if it will make me sad to realize I have finally let go. Or if I will be relieved to have moved on. To have let you go.