It hurts, it burns even.

The sun is rising and I promise myself..

Tomorrow.. Tomorrow.. Tomorrow..

That will be the day this will all end.

I will stop this.

I am in charge of this.

I will literally run the bad thoughts of you from my mind.

Run until I am so exhausted.. you are the furthest thing from me.

You fuck my friends like I never mattered.

I lose respect for them almost as much as I have for you.

The people in my life are garbage.

You have made them garbage.

I hate you.

I want to move, leave, escape you.

I will try.

I will try my hardest.

I hope your faults destroy you.

That note.

Things are over.

Like they were before.

I don't think we have ever let it go this far.

I look at pictures of when I met you.

And part of me sees some of that person in who you are now.

And for fleeting moments I see through the pretentious douchebag you have become.

For a while I love you again.

I remember caring so much about you..

And I remember what absolutely wonderful times we shared.

I told you everything. Everything.

And you were everything to me.

Inseparable.

I never thought you were capable of breaking my heart.

And here you are. Here we are.

Like fucking poison to each other.

Spiteful, angry, and hurt from all angles.

And I will never know why.

I think its when you left me.

And I was scared and alone..

I made mistakes you would never let me live down.

And from that point on.

Those mistakes are all you let yourself see of me.

Even when I improved myself.

When I found myself again.

It was never going to matter.

Even when you said there was a chance.

Our relationship became nothing more than me trying to apologize.

And falling behind faster than I could keep up.

The few moments when you actually wanted me back..

I was terrified.

And I would sabotage any efforts.

After all that had happened..

How could I ever be worth anything to you?

I didn't want to spend my whole life in your debt.

Its stupid that these are the things that ruined us.

The things I did to get by without you.

The mistakes I made in crazed desperation.

That is what ended up defining me.

And I know you will never look back and smile the way I want you to.

At the months we shared together.. Inseparable.. And disgustingly happy.

I always looked at you and saw my future.

And it hurts to see you as my past.

And such a distant past.. That I have forgotten what you looked like then.

And only these stupid still frames can bring me back to you.

Back to the comfort of having you.

And the pain of losing you.. Over.. and over.. and over.

That note I wrote you.

The one I hid in your backpack.

I still mean it.

I mean every word.

And I know its all more true now than it ever was.

And more necessary for you to have.

Maybe you can remember me the way I was when I wrote it.

Before everything blew up in our faces.

Before I melted into this disgusting mess I've made.

I'm sorry I couldn't stay your best thing forever.

And I am sorry I let you down.

Re-hash.

I have fallen in love over and over.

And I have never learned how to let go.. of anyone.

The moments I think I am free.. I look back.

And I realize I will never be free of these things.

They make me.

They build me up.

They tear me apart.

They give me strength.. yet they are my greatest weakness.

I had convinced myself that there was never anything between us.

But then you show me evidence.

And I know that there was something overwhelming.

I will never understand how it went from that to this.

And there are things I will never be able to forget.

But at the same time.. those memories will never be the same..

After these past 6 months.

I still can't be sure if this torment was worth what we shared.

But what we shared was honest and true.

And for a long time.. I couldn't ever imagine it ending.

Its rare to feel a true forever type of love.

The kind that hides all faults and is pure.

Loving you made me a better person for a while.

And for a while.. I think we were each other's very best thing.

You were my comfort, my sanity, and my protector.

When things went to shit, you made me believe it would all work out.

We shared my twin bed every night..

and I still couldn't get close enough to you.

I remember loving you completely..

And never stopping to wonder why.

I remember the first time I lost you..

How I felt myself break in two.

All of this touch and go..

All of the awful things we have said to each other.

And all of the trust we have broken..

Its stripped us of what used to be real..

And replaced it with a barely believable idea.

I am sorry that I have forgotten.

And it hurts so bad to remember you..

Even if its just briefly.. Just for this moment.

If I could, I would take it all back.. and try to fix it.

But I guess thats how we got in this position in the first place.

I have never wanted to let go.

And before I knew it..

You became the furthest thing from me.

Post Four.

Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has them but nobody wants to hear from them.

Precisely.

Going through a difficult thing. I feel the need to rely on friends. But I have realized that they provide less comfort than the strangers I meet. This has happened consistently. Does this mean I have imperfect friends? Does it mean that strangers, with a fresh perspective, can give me better advice? Or are strangers simply more eager to please you? I have no idea.

I am exhausted by the competitive edge people tend to have in conversations like these. Trying to top each other's stories of how they have been wronged. Needing to have the last word. Unsuccessfully convincing one another that your own individual life path is more on track. I wonder when people lost compassion. I wonder when they started caring about their hierarchy more than humanity.

I ask for a minute of time in return for the friendship I have offered in the past. But it simply falls flat, constantly. I feel the need to relocate, simply up and move. Not because I want to run away, but because I have tried so many times to make these things work and it doesn't seem hopeful. The new people I meet seem so much nicer but still my lingering past is like a dead weight. Constantly disapproving of my feelings and decisions as if they are things I could or even want to change. I feel worn out trying to combat everything that seems to be up against me. And I feel completely alone in that battle. I don't feel weak, just alone.

I have made the decision to turn my back for a while on the people and things that bring me down. I am going to devote my time to myself instead. I don't need their approval or advice. And they don't need to know about what I'm up to or where I'm going. This is it, and I'm jumping. I have been craving respect and dignity. So here begins the hunt and climb.

Before I can let these new people in who I think of so highly, I need to believe I am worth their time. I will hold my head up high and continue on with my passions and dreams. I will trust in my talent and good nature. Once surrounded by the positive people I seek.. life will make the turn I have been seeking for what seems like so long now. It will not be easy.. But it will be the first thing I have done solely to make myself a better person in longer than I can remember.

I have been over you.

I have forgotten the reasons why I stayed with you in the first place.

And it amazes me that you can still hurt me so badly after so long.

I think its the trust I had in you. And the lies you told.

The intentional pain and awareness of how your actions would affect me.

I think its the substantial amount of time I spent caring for you..

To realize how little you cared for my well being..

Not now but ever.

I didn't think I had it in me to cry for you anymore.

But you really bring out this side of people rather easily.

You are a selfish puddle of humanity.

You hurt every pore of my being.

How dare you use such strong words so casually.

Post Three.

I scan my room. I see a handful of things that remind me. I see the things I don't have the heart to get rid of.. but I don't have the strength to keep. I remember once when these inanimate objects meant so much to me that I would have chosen their company over most people. It was because they were a symbol of what we had together. These objects gave me the option of spreading my feelings out instead of directing them solely at you. If you knew how much I cared about you.. It probably would have been frightening.

I browse my bed.. my shelves.. my closet.. and my drawers. I pick up.. I put down. I close and I open. I walk away to come back and find it still the same. I wish I could just box it all up and forget. I wish more that I could put it all in a bag and leave it out with the garbage. That's what I did last time I felt this way. I left it all out in the rain to wash away. But this time.. I am more afraid of letting go of these memories than I am of letting go of you. I think of these memories.. these transitional objects.. cold, lonely and neglected. And then I think.. if I don't take care of them.. if I don't keep them safe.. who will?

So for now.. its okay. But I fear the day when I pack them up and tuck them away. And even more.. I fear the day I find them again. And I fear how I will react. I wonder if I'll remember the things I swore to protect. Or if they will have faded and left me. I wonder if it will make me sad to realize I have finally let go. Or if I will be relieved to have moved on. To have let you go.

Post Two.

I believe I try my best to be a good person. But then I wonder what being a "good person" really means. Everyone has their own standards that they consider when judging a person's worth. I simply try to be genuine. Whether that means I make good decisions or bad ones, I figure as long as I am true to myself, my good nature will show on its own without much effort.

Sometimes our intentions are misread. Mixed signals and different opinions lead us down paths that others find less than righteous. And in times like these I am left looking back and wondering what went wrong.. wondering whether I was ever a good person.. and wondering whether the people who I feel have wronged me were righteous in their own right.

I have made mistakes. I have hurt others and I have tried to fix the things I had broken. But some things are beyond repair. And it hurts more to cut your fingers on the shards than it does to mourn the loss and move on. But it is hard to let go. Hard to truly believe that abandoning comfort for sanity is worth it.

This time its different. This time I am too hurt to believe that I can continuing loving this person. The person I considered closest to me. The person I trusted most. This time I can't shake it off. It makes me shiver to think the pain that racked my body last night was caused by the same arms that held me close such a short time ago. I tried to read the words aloud and I choked. I sputtered and leaked. And it was genuine. A different kind of hurt than I have felt before in similar situations. This time it felt helpless and hopeless to continue. I came face to face with the exhaustion of this task. I realized how much time I've wasted trying. I realized that the one thing I had been fighting so hard for had ultimately caused me more pain than I could ever remember feeling. I felt wronged. I felt disgusted. And as soon as it became clear to me that there would never be a single thing I could do to change any of it. That I had tried and tried again but trying doesn't help when you are up against a brick wall. Instead of wasting more time and energy getting myself to wrap my head around what was happening, I washed my hands of it.

I am better than this.

I have been denied respect and appreciation for too long. I have put myself in a position that makes me feel like a villain and a lesser person than who I really am. After being punished for months over the mistakes I had made in the past.. I feel its finally time to be freed. To realize that I am not a bad person just because one person says I am. I am fun and enjoyable. I will be loved and not lessened. I will find someone who appreciates me instead of torturing myself by enduring the abuse and manipulation of these pursuing circumstances.

I believe I was worth something once. I was a catch. I am not used or washed up, I am just lonely. It took a long time to realize that the person pointing fingers was also the cause of this slump. I am worth affection and assurance not neglect and shrugging shoulders.

You said you came back because you realized how much I cared about you. Now you say it was because you felt sorry for me. There was nothing to feel sorry for. But having someone to love you indefinitely did wonders for your self esteem. You used me for my limitless affection for you. Maybe it wasn't me. Maybe it was your guilt you felt when you saw me trying to recover. But I should not be punished for that.